The Map
Gladly pulling the fish out of the water, wait a minute ... it's not a fish, it was a bottle with a note inside. Slowly unraveling the note, realizing it was a map! I can't wait to be rich, I say imaging myself with all the gold.
The red, big X, looked like at the end of the river, I guess beginning paddling was not a bad idea after all. The current was stronger than ever, making me dive head first into the waterfall. Soon figuring out a cave behind. I experienced an instant of panic when the door opened and there it was, the gold, hold up... it was just a key?
Your story is really good I like your descriptive words
ReplyDeleteYour story was a bit confusing. What did you mean by "making me dive head first into the waterfall."? But I like the ending of the story.
ReplyDeleteI like your story, when you say " Imagining myself with all the gold" it doesnt really flow.
ReplyDeleteyou could say, I cant wait to be rich, i say imagining myself with all the gold.
Also, like Rainbow Sunshine said, I dont get " making me dive head first into the waterfall, and if you read out the last sentence it could go a bit smoother.
Really good story though!
I love your funny ending, that person must have been really disapointed! I think you could replace a few of your words with more powerful words that would make the sentences a lot better! In all great story!
ReplyDeleteYour story is a lot like mine, COPY CAT! Lol, good story though.
ReplyDeleteSome great word choice such as unraveling. Instead of imaging it should be imagining. You start off your story really strong but the middle and end need some revision to help with fluency. Be sure to read your story out loud to someone else and you will catch your own sentences that needs some work.
ReplyDelete